Its christmas eve, im watching miracle on 34th street even tho I should be sleeping. Had a long talk with Buzz about religion, among other things, last night that as somewhat unsettling because I felt uncertain about myself and my beliefs, but I woke up today feeling great. It felt like a good day but those usually have a bad moment. Went to the Unitarian church and all of its pc made me miss Jesus as the Saviour so I asked mom to go to church with me and we went to a late service at the Presbyterian church up the street. It was an odd service but it felt great. I was so moved by O Come All Ye Faithful. Anyway, just wanted to note how much I needed to go to church and how good I feel since we went. I feel a renewed sense of faith. Merry Christmas and good night.

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We won. Wish I had done something to help. But a week and 60 days from now we should be free to serve. Still so much needed, but this step is huge. As Craig would say, its a great day for America.

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Finally home :-) crazy day tomorrow, cant believe I forgot my toothpaste.

DADT vote tomorrow. So nervous, this needs to happen, now.

Not too much else to say. Tired and that car ride started to make me sick so its bed time

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Spent way too long on that study guide but its my last final so whatever. Buzz said the m word today which always makes me so excited but I tried not to think too much about it like I always do. Dont know why its such a big deal to me since I never planned to even when I thought I was straight. Strange how much one person can really do to you. Somehow managed to get an a in music history although I think I did pretty bad on that final today. Will check again in a week and make sure grade stays.

Sad Buzz has to work for christmas with moms family. Its easier to interact in a house than at a restaurant so she would definitely meet more of them. I can even picture it because I know shell fit right in. Wondering what my motive is on this. Want to show family were serious, flaunt my amazing girlfriend, really do want her to be welcomed in, even though everyones been great so far. Just want her to get the full experience. I think were a pretty close family even though I dont know too much about anyone, they still mean so much.
Hopefully shell make Winterfest.

Enough ramblings. Bed time. Slightly stressful but good enough day.

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Just getting ready for bed. Later than I hoped but so much better than the past couple days. Pretty good day, totally beasted history exam. Kinda freaked about music history tomorrow, last real stress for now, although I still have to write my proposal for my senior project. Just hope to get some good sleep for tomorrow but still wake up, lot more studying to do. Hope Buzzs test goes well tomorrow. Love her.

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So tired, cant wait to go home and rediscover normal sleep patterns. Miss my roommate but its also nice to have the place to myself, although i do need to do some extensive cleaning. Freaking out about music final, not so much the history tomorrow and havent evn thought about considering my gender final. Still trying not to stress. Buzz's test is coming up soon, hope she can relax and do well.

Gave her the link to this today, not like i meant to hide it. Kinda hope she reads it but its not a big deal. Just think it might help whenever I dont talk well. Talked about moving in together again today. I really do want it. Its not my parents or anything like that. I just really want that everyday see her, be there. Just want to spend every minute. Spend every minute i can online with her anyway. I miss her.

Think im losing sentences so going to bed. Oh, and presentation went well, so 2 classes officially done. Yay. Sleep. Didnt work out today, tired and headache. No caffeine all day, surprised i made it. Seriously sleep this time.

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Been up really late past few days with finals coming. Lots to say but i should probably sleep. Hopefully post soon

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Christmas party today. Burnt some halloween cookies lol. Saw my former roommate. I had been anticipating awkward if not worse, but it was great. We talked almost the whole time. Shows me that it really was just the strain of living together that made it so bad. Kinda missed her oddly.

Freaked out again about finals. I really think I just need to relax and try to do onething at a time and set goals and make sure I meet them.

I want to be in really good shape. Iwant stronger arms and better abs. I've been doing a little but I know it doesn't do much. Im hoping that it just means that I can be motivated sometime soon.

Still dont know how I feel about my chest. I dont know why it so suddenly bothers me but it does. I always liked when I lie down and it almost disappears.

Gotta get to bed as i hope to get up kinda early to get back to work so i guess thats it. Kinda like this blogging thing tho, kinda relaxing

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Just dropped my baby off at the airport. Wish I didn't cry so easily. So much to do, trying not to let it get to me. Gotta take it one thing at a time.

So I just turned 21. Most amazing time with her. Shes so good to me, wonder what I did to deserve her. Stayed at the Sheraton in Station Square with the most beautiful view of the river and the city. I want a view like that one day. Its perfect. Went to the incline which was really pretty but really cold too. Went to the Hard Rock, didn't get carded but stared at the drink menu for like an hour. Had Sex on the Beach. Vodkas gross. Sos cranberry juice. Then went to the casino. Won a dollar, tried tequilla. Very cool. Great time. I love her.

More later, should be working, but got a lot else on my mind too.

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Napped for the first time in awhile, still kind of tired. Handbell concert went better than expected, even got $10 in donations. Kind of weird meeting at the end because old president kind of took charge and he and the old business manager were both kind of undermining my senior project.

Cant wait to be a hardass and try to make us decent next semester. Think ill really only miss one person there when i leave.

On the bus to the airport to pick up my girl. Still thinking about the whole gender thing. At least its interesting to think about, if not confusing. Feel like im not getting anywhere, but i might never so i guess im not too worried.

Pulling up to the airport so i guess thats it for now. Cant wait to see her

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First thoughts in a while

Haven't written anything in a long time but I was just reading a blog by someone I know and it was really inspiring. He identifies as genderqueer although he is transitioning from female to male and it really got me thinking. I know I'm not a man, but there are some things about me that I don't really understand.

Took a break so I'll get back to that last thought later. I have so much work to do. I did some today and it felt good, but with so much to do I feel like I never do enough.

So back to the whole gender thing. I think about myself a lot. I've become very conscious of my hair which seems ridiculous to me, but it's so important to how I'm perceived. I hated it before because it was long and felt girly. Most people told me it was cute when I got it cut, which was just as bad. I can't get it to do what I want and although I'm getting used to it now, I would eventually like it much shorter. I really like the floppy mohawk thing he has in some of his pictures. I'm frustrated because I want to wait until after graduation, as if I owe it to my parents to be their little girl all grown up. Even after that though, living in their house, I don't know that I'll ever be comfortable being completely myself.

I strapped my chest down today with Saran wrap and a sports bra. Much more effective than just the sports bra like for Halloween. I know it's not really the smart way to do it, and I only did it for a couple of hours to see what it was like. Not that it mattered much because the only time I went out was to the library and it was super cold so I had to wear a sweatshirt and my coat. By I liked it. I'm small so it wasn't really uncomfortable. I can't explain it. When I'm naked I don't mind them, but sometimes I just really don't like how they look in clothes, especially looser shirts where they are too big to be unnoticed but too small to seem normal. I guess they fit me since I don't know how to identify. I don't want to be a man, I like my legs shaved, although when I'm lazy for a week or two it doesn't bother me. I don't want the facial hair. But I like passing as a guy (or boy as it were). I do want to be a lot stronger and in better shape. I would love to be able to wear wife beaters or muscle shirts, with or without a binder I'm not sure. I definitely don't think the bikini thing is gonna stick around.

Meeting my girl was at once the most revealing and confusing thing in my life. I always knew there was something off about me, and now I only sort of know what. She's opened up a world of questions for me. I like it, even though it's confusing.

All in all, I have to say I have an amazing life. I know I get down sometimes, but I hope I never lose sight of that. My parents are great, my brothers, my friends. And my girl of course, whose impact on my life cannot be explained. And I love her, like nothing I ever imagined and nothing I can ever describe. Everything about her just feels so right. Anyway, enough of the mush haha. I love myself, even if I don't understand myself.

Oh and random, I love that I'm out in two of my classes, especially the one where we watched Brokeback Mountain. Go me. Now if I can just introduce myself as Jack instead of Jackie next semester, maybe things will continue to feel more right.

Gotta get some sleep, basketball game tomorrow. And my girl comes in two days for my birthday. So. damn. excited. No idea what she has planned, but as long as she's here, I'm happy.

Assuming most posts will be shorter than this, just a lot to say since I haven't written and a lot on my mind from reading his blog and talking to her about everything last night. And she better feel better soon.

Week 6-Response to Yesenia

I’ve seen men in Philadelphia walking small dogs, but the only reason I know that it’s because I remember that it called my attention to see a man walking a small dog. I guess there is some kind of stereotypical assumption that men have big strong dogs that suit their roles and women have the lap dogs that are fragile and needy. I don’t think there are more big dogs with male owners or small dogs with female owners, but we tend to notice when we see men with small dogs or women with big dogs because it’s unexpected according to what we’ve learned on TV or through past stereotypes. I’ve also seen women walking big dogs and know a few women who own big huskies, but then again, maybe I notice them more because it’s not what I perceive as common.

Week 6-Response to Shawn

I’m glad to hear that you are aware that cleaning up after yourself is your job even though that it’s a hard habit to get out of when we get used to someone else doing things for us. Once we fall into our gender roles and we get comfortable there it’s easy to stay in. Even though the dishes is your wife’s chore, and maybe she’s ok with that, it would probably bother you if she was always in the tool shed taking things to garden with and always leaving them on the ground, or outside to rust. Even though the ‘man’ jobs are yours, she should still clean up after herself. The same concept applies to everyone, except for those of us who don’t bother with such technicalities. I myself am used to leaving my clothes on the floor till I can’t see the color of my carpet. We all have a long way to go, but the first step is to acknowledge it. :-)

Week 6 Moment

I have spent the last several days in Denver, Colorado for gay Pride and it made me even more aware of gender stereotypes. I met 11 new people: 2 gay men, 6 lesbians, and 3 transgendered female-to-males. Among them, I felt so instantly comfortable. I never had to second guess myself in anything I did, from what I wore (I consider myself androgynous) to how I walked, or wondering who would see me with my girlfriend. I was truly able to be myself without doubt or fear.

Now I've come back to "real life," where I am not out at work and am therefore so aware of everything I do, lest I be thought gay. One of the lesbians I met had a mohawk with an other-wise shaved head. At pride and throughout the Pride fest weekend she wore a tool belt. She works at a school for smart young children. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that several of the parents really liked her mohawk. I considered it an acceptance of her sexuality as it makes her seem very masculine and she has had her gender questioned. One of the children once asked her if she was a boy, she answered no and he asked why she had a mohawk. Another little girl answered, 'she's a girl and she has a mohawk because she's gay'. It's interesting that young children are aware and have some knowledge of the concept, as this shows a way in which our culture is constantly changing.

Over the weekend, I learned that there are many different types of people, some that fit the mold of my opinions and some that don't. One example being the sadomasochists who walk around in 'costume'. While I don't like seeing this display in public, I respect their right to do so. Overall, I found strength and hope for a better society among those people, because we were all marching for the same reasons: to live without being judged or mistreated.

Week 5-Response to Dana

Even though it has been less common to see bare chested women in the past, it has become more and more commonplace for them to show their chests, especially at events like festivals and parades. I am attending a Gay Pride Parade this weekend, and it is common place for women and men to walk around with out shirts. To some, it may be perceived as a sign of perversion but to those who chose to express themselves that way, it is more of a symbol of freedom of expression. Because we live in a patriarchal society, it is acceptable for men but it is looked down upon for women to expose their chests. In spite of my own views of the topic, is it important to question why there is such a difference? Why are women's breasts considered so sexual and men's are not? On a related note, is breast-feeding in public acceptable? It is showing women's breasts to an extent in a non-sexual manner. In any case, as your post shows, the freedom of women to bare their breasts seems to be changing slowly.

Week 5 Moment

I'm slowly learning to speak Spanish so that I can talk with my girlfriend's parents, but it reminded me of studying Italian in school. I was so focused on the rules that I never really stopped to question them. Everything is related to gender. When you are saying that a group of people went somewhere, the way the verb is conjugated depends on whether the group contains a male or not. If it is a group of all females, it is said one way, but if even one male is in the group, it is said differently. That one guy dominates the entire group. I never noticed until this class and the discussion of how communication is so male-dominated that this was not only true of English. It's funny because I almost felt betrayed because I thought that was the "rule" whereas it's just what's accepted like it is here.

Random note: super awesomely excited because I'm going to Denver this weekend with my girlfriend to my first Pride :-)

Week 4-Response to Shawn

I completely understand what you're talking about. I was at dinner last night and saw a girl who was maybe 13 in the shortest, tightest shorts. It was more than I wanted to see, and I made a comment about it to my girlfriend. She went on to talk about how offensive it was. It was offensive to us who had to see it, to her mother who was with her and let her dress that way, to the girl who was basically exploiting herself, and to all women in general. It is because women are willing to dress like this, to let whatever media portrays this influence us that women continue to be shown as sex objects. If women protested and didn't wear the body-revealing clothes, the image wouldn't sell and the portrayal would change.

Week 4 Moment

As I was reading about the gender roles within a romantic relationship, it reminded me of a question my roommate asked me last year. She wanted to know, between my girlfriend and myself, which one of us “wore the pants in the relationship.” I was kind of confused, probably because I consider us both equals. We alternate paying for dinner, groceries, whatever, because it was the only way we could agree. We both always want to pay, to buy each other dinner. We each do domestic roles: she keeps the apartment organized, and I do the dishes. We do the laundry together.

We also take turns in emotional support. We each cry and each support the other. As our text notes, our relationship relies heavily on our friendship as well as our ability to express emotions. While my girlfriend is also my best friend, we did not start out as friends. I think it is also important to me that I am more emotionally connected to her than my platonic best friend who is also a girl. It is not just a best friend relationship with physical attraction.

In some aspects, I am more masculine, particularly in the way I express my emotions. I like to randomly buy her flowers, things of that nature, but she is much better at talking about her feelings. It is something I want to improve at because I think it is the best way to get to know someone and be close to them.

I completely understand where Karin is coming from (p. 221). I find it really hard to listen to my straight friends complain about guys who don’t do anything for their relationship and don’t talk to them about it. I don’t understand why they deal with it, and I really don’t understand why they tell me instead of their boyfriend. My girlfriend and I agree to always talk to each other first if there is a problem, not to other friends. We actually just had our first kind of fight, but we talked about it for no more than an hour, said what we felt, understood both sides, and everything is perfectly fine. Being able to communicate is one of the most important parts of maintaining a relationship.

Week 3-Response to Prof. M.

My best friend in high school was out in middle school, and even though I was not friends with him then, the whole school knew who he was simply because he was gay. He was always made fun of and always talked about, even by those who didn't know him. He is the sweetest, most caring guy I have ever met, and once I got to know him, I was so upset at the pain he had to go through.

I think it is imperative that television and other media explore these issues because of the media's hold on the public. Media plays such an important role in how we look at things, even if we are not aware of it. Ellen DeGeneres, for example, came out in 1997 and incorporated that into her sitcom at the time. This was a huge step both in her public life and for television in general as it was the first sitcom to feature a gay female lead. I hope shows like Glee continue to show characters that are gay coming out as a sign of strength to those in similar situations as well to educate those who are unaware of the pain they may experience in an effort to bring more acceptance.

Moment 2

As I was getting ready to go to the Yankee game today, I thought also about the topic on discussion board. I've never really been to a professional women's sporting event. I went to a women's basketball game at Pitt, and it was kind of boring. Unlike the men's team which charges $5 per ticket, the women's games are free. Still, the turnout was pathetic whereas the men's games are almost always soldout. This made the game a lot less interesting than the men's game I went to later. The small crowd was not really into it.

I went to one of the women's tournament games later in the season. While this was much more exciting, it still seemed to lack something. Another interesting thing was that I heard a couple of guys near me talking about how attractive or ugly some of the players were.

I have seen some professional women's tennis at the US Open, which was a lot of fun and was very crowded. I know we've read about how many people talk more about female athletes' clothing instead of their ability, but I think sometimes they warrant it. The example I am thinking about is when Serena Williams wore a tigh black suit which became known as the "catsuit." It was skin tight and very revealing. If she wanted people to focus on the match, I think she would have worn something else. That being said, I know she has already proven her physical abilities, and instead of people talking about how pretty she is, I usually only hear about how muscular she is, which is said about many male athletes.

I really wonder why women's sports are so much less popular than men's. I'm not sure why the women's basketball was so much less interesting than the men's. It's almost a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of deal. Is it less interesting because people don't go, or do people not go because it is less interesting? I know my brother hates the WNBA because most of the women are too short to dunk, which many people find to be so exciting.

All this being said, UConn's women's basketball still received a lot of attention when they dominated this past season. Perhaps women's sports just need more dominant players to become the face of their sport in order to gain more media attention. Most people know who Mia Hamm is, even if soccer is not popular in America. Considering she is also a woman, she is at an even bigger disadvantage, yet she is so dominant, she is a household name.

Week 2-Response to Jeff (Paulette's Comment)

Paulette, I have a 20-year-old cousin who sometimes calls his mother "Woman" when he wants something, and I don't understand how she puts up with it. My mother and I both find it offensive to women in general, and incredibly rude since it is his mother. Whereas our text notes that "our language also reflects society's view of women as defined by their relationships with others rather than as independent agents" (120), he goes a step farther and does not give her an identity at all. As you have seen in your niece, his behavior can have a very negative influence on those around him. I am sure he uses this kind of language about women when he is away at college which tells his peers that it is okay. His younger sister is also likely to feel disrespected and put down, even if she is unaware of it. His mother's acceptance of his behavior indicates that she should accept less than complete respect from males.

Like Paulette, I would also like to both applaud and thank you Jeff, for standing up to your friend and defending your girlfriend. Language like that is demeaning and cannot continue to be accepted.

Week 2-Response to Tamica

This is a very interesting story. I am fascinated at how some of the younger generations are so unphased by homosexuality. Your daughter's seemingly carefree attitude about it, as well as the rest of Sam's friends, and his family, makes me so happy. I know parents in denial, and perhaps they will change over time, or maybe not. I am so impressed with Sam's parents. Their acceptance will make his life so much easier and better. I know plenty of people who knew they were gay from an early age, but the way their parents fought it led them to also be in denial, to try to be straight, which leads to numerous problems. 20 % of gay men are actually married to women (marriage.about.com), and 80 % of mixed-orientation marriages (one member of the heterosexual marriage is either bi or gay) end in divorce (glbtq.com). These marriages occur in the first place because of how hard it is to find acceptance in society when you do not meet the norms of sexuality. My best friend, who is straight, hopes to have four children, two boys and two girls, one of each who is homosexual. I think it is an interesting desire, but I know all four of her children would be equally loved. Sam, and all gay children raised in accepting environments, is more likely to be self-confident, and therefore accepted because his parents have been so supportive.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/straightspouses/a/straightspouse.htm

http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/mixed_orientation_marriages.html

Moment 1-Name Changing

I was just reading the beginning of Chapter 5 where Wood talks about women changing their names after getting married (121). I was watching "The Marriage Ref" last Thursday and one of the arguments shown between a couple was the wife not wanting to change her last name. I was excited and interested that she would show this independence, but her reason was to maintain her recognition as a radio personality. She did not want her fans to be confused by her new last name. I was slightly saddened because I wanted her to be doing it out of pride for herself. I myself, when I get married, plan to hyphenate my last name. My girlfriend and I have talked about it (yes I know it's very early :-) ) and she would also hyphenate her last name. This still shows my familial pride as well as my commitment to my spouse. I understood the husband's feelings of rejection and frustration on the show as he had assumed that she would change her name. I do not think men should feel that way simply because it is a tradition. It seems like changing her name makes her almost like his property. It is also almost like rejection of her family. I understand that the hyphenation for couples with children who then get married could get long and confusing but I don't want to get rid of my father's name simply because it's easier.

Random Musings 1

When I came out last year, it really seemed so sudden to me and my family. Some of my friends said that they had known I was a lesbian for a couple years, but I honestly had no idea. I knew something seemed odd to me, like something was missing and I was never really happy. I met my girlfriend and everything just made sense. It makes me really happy to hear so many people in this class being open-minded about sexuality. Most of the people I have come out to have been really good about it, but some just prefer to ignore it or pretend it's not a part of who I am. There is not a day that I am not consciously aware that I am gay, even if I do not see or talk to my girlfriend. The thought just always comes into my head. Anyway, just felt like randomly thinking and posting.

First Post

I am very excited for this class but the blog will have to wait till tomorrow :-)

First Post...or is it?

Ummmm........thought I posted but apparently not.