Haven't written anything in a long time but I was just reading a blog by someone I know and it was really inspiring. He identifies as genderqueer although he is transitioning from female to male and it really got me thinking. I know I'm not a man, but there are some things about me that I don't really understand.
Took a break so I'll get back to that last thought later. I have so much work to do. I did some today and it felt good, but with so much to do I feel like I never do enough.
So back to the whole gender thing. I think about myself a lot. I've become very conscious of my hair which seems ridiculous to me, but it's so important to how I'm perceived. I hated it before because it was long and felt girly. Most people told me it was cute when I got it cut, which was just as bad. I can't get it to do what I want and although I'm getting used to it now, I would eventually like it much shorter. I really like the floppy mohawk thing he has in some of his pictures. I'm frustrated because I want to wait until after graduation, as if I owe it to my parents to be their little girl all grown up. Even after that though, living in their house, I don't know that I'll ever be comfortable being completely myself.
I strapped my chest down today with Saran wrap and a sports bra. Much more effective than just the sports bra like for Halloween. I know it's not really the smart way to do it, and I only did it for a couple of hours to see what it was like. Not that it mattered much because the only time I went out was to the library and it was super cold so I had to wear a sweatshirt and my coat. By I liked it. I'm small so it wasn't really uncomfortable. I can't explain it. When I'm naked I don't mind them, but sometimes I just really don't like how they look in clothes, especially looser shirts where they are too big to be unnoticed but too small to seem normal. I guess they fit me since I don't know how to identify. I don't want to be a man, I like my legs shaved, although when I'm lazy for a week or two it doesn't bother me. I don't want the facial hair. But I like passing as a guy (or boy as it were). I do want to be a lot stronger and in better shape. I would love to be able to wear wife beaters or muscle shirts, with or without a binder I'm not sure. I definitely don't think the bikini thing is gonna stick around.
Meeting my girl was at once the most revealing and confusing thing in my life. I always knew there was something off about me, and now I only sort of know what. She's opened up a world of questions for me. I like it, even though it's confusing.
All in all, I have to say I have an amazing life. I know I get down sometimes, but I hope I never lose sight of that. My parents are great, my brothers, my friends. And my girl of course, whose impact on my life cannot be explained. And I love her, like nothing I ever imagined and nothing I can ever describe. Everything about her just feels so right. Anyway, enough of the mush haha. I love myself, even if I don't understand myself.
Oh and random, I love that I'm out in two of my classes, especially the one where we watched Brokeback Mountain. Go me. Now if I can just introduce myself as Jack instead of Jackie next semester, maybe things will continue to feel more right.
Gotta get some sleep, basketball game tomorrow. And my girl comes in two days for my birthday. So. damn. excited. No idea what she has planned, but as long as she's here, I'm happy.
Assuming most posts will be shorter than this, just a lot to say since I haven't written and a lot on my mind from reading his blog and talking to her about everything last night. And she better feel better soon.
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