As I was reading about the gender roles within a romantic relationship, it reminded me of a question my roommate asked me last year. She wanted to know, between my girlfriend and myself, which one of us “wore the pants in the relationship.” I was kind of confused, probably because I consider us both equals. We alternate paying for dinner, groceries, whatever, because it was the only way we could agree. We both always want to pay, to buy each other dinner. We each do domestic roles: she keeps the apartment organized, and I do the dishes. We do the laundry together.
We also take turns in emotional support. We each cry and each support the other. As our text notes, our relationship relies heavily on our friendship as well as our ability to express emotions. While my girlfriend is also my best friend, we did not start out as friends. I think it is also important to me that I am more emotionally connected to her than my platonic best friend who is also a girl. It is not just a best friend relationship with physical attraction.
In some aspects, I am more masculine, particularly in the way I express my emotions. I like to randomly buy her flowers, things of that nature, but she is much better at talking about her feelings. It is something I want to improve at because I think it is the best way to get to know someone and be close to them.
I completely understand where Karin is coming from (p. 221). I find it really hard to listen to my straight friends complain about guys who don’t do anything for their relationship and don’t talk to them about it. I don’t understand why they deal with it, and I really don’t understand why they tell me instead of their boyfriend. My girlfriend and I agree to always talk to each other first if there is a problem, not to other friends. We actually just had our first kind of fight, but we talked about it for no more than an hour, said what we felt, understood both sides, and everything is perfectly fine. Being able to communicate is one of the most important parts of maintaining a relationship.
Your comment on how your straight friends complain to you about their boyfriends really struck me. I think it is just another aspect of the typical feminine gender role; women talk and discuss with men. There were countless personal accounts in our book of men who couldn't understand why all their girlfriends wanted to do was talk about their relationships and women who got mad at their boyfriends who did not want to talk out an issue. I really applaud what you said about you and your girlfriend agreeing that if you had any issues, you would discuss it with each other first and not other friends. I think communication is the key to a successful relationship and I must sadly admit that I am finding that my fiance and I do not have the best communication skills.
ReplyDeleteI also find it interesting about your roommate asking which one of you wore the pants in your relationship. I never really considered myself and my fiance equals. Ironically, I always kind of say that I wore the pants in this relationship. I think that's mostly because I'm high strung and he's so passive that he lets me "rule the roost" so they say because I'm happier when I'm in control.
Jackie,
ReplyDeleteI think it is admirable that you can admit your shortcomings. I too, also have a difficult time expressing my feelings to my wife. I tend to hide my emotions as I want to be the strong person in the relationship. However, I have learned through the years and in other relationships with women that it is better to express your feelings. Hopefully I am learning to express myself better and hopefully my children can see that I can do so as well so they feel like they can come to me and openly express their feelings to me and in their friendships with the opposite sex. Yes, maybe I do need to buy flowers more often......
Im glad to see that you consider yourself and your partner as equal and that neither wear the pants. When I dated my ex-boyfriend he always wanted to be the “man” in the relationship, and he was physically, but realistically I was the one that took care of everything and organized everything that we did. This was frustrating to me because I always thought a relationship involves both of the partners and not just the one. Well to make a long story short, we broke up. Everything that I taught him during our relationship he now does with his current girlfriend which is kind of bitter sweet to me. Im glad he finally grew up and realized how to be a man, but at the same time why did I have to be the one to teach him it?!!? Lol
ReplyDeleteI find it very realistic that your straight friends complain to you about their boyfriends. Sometimes I wish that all heterosexual relationships were more like the way homosexual individuals carry them out to be. Where each partner has a say and you are both involved equally. I guess it is a little bit easier to have two females in a relationship because we are so open and understand as opposed to a male/female relationship. Then again, what do I know? Im sure you and your girlfriend have the same type of problems as any heterosexual couple, at least you guys solve your problems in a level headed way! Haha Thank you for sharing your story.