Its christmas eve, im watching miracle on 34th street even tho I should be sleeping. Had a long talk with Buzz about religion, among other things, last night that as somewhat unsettling because I felt uncertain about myself and my beliefs, but I woke up today feeling great. It felt like a good day but those usually have a bad moment. Went to the Unitarian church and all of its pc made me miss Jesus as the Saviour so I asked mom to go to church with me and we went to a late service at the Presbyterian church up the street. It was an odd service but it felt great. I was so moved by O Come All Ye Faithful. Anyway, just wanted to note how much I needed to go to church and how good I feel since we went. I feel a renewed sense of faith. Merry Christmas and good night.

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We won. Wish I had done something to help. But a week and 60 days from now we should be free to serve. Still so much needed, but this step is huge. As Craig would say, its a great day for America.

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Finally home :-) crazy day tomorrow, cant believe I forgot my toothpaste.

DADT vote tomorrow. So nervous, this needs to happen, now.

Not too much else to say. Tired and that car ride started to make me sick so its bed time

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Spent way too long on that study guide but its my last final so whatever. Buzz said the m word today which always makes me so excited but I tried not to think too much about it like I always do. Dont know why its such a big deal to me since I never planned to even when I thought I was straight. Strange how much one person can really do to you. Somehow managed to get an a in music history although I think I did pretty bad on that final today. Will check again in a week and make sure grade stays.

Sad Buzz has to work for christmas with moms family. Its easier to interact in a house than at a restaurant so she would definitely meet more of them. I can even picture it because I know shell fit right in. Wondering what my motive is on this. Want to show family were serious, flaunt my amazing girlfriend, really do want her to be welcomed in, even though everyones been great so far. Just want her to get the full experience. I think were a pretty close family even though I dont know too much about anyone, they still mean so much.
Hopefully shell make Winterfest.

Enough ramblings. Bed time. Slightly stressful but good enough day.

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Just getting ready for bed. Later than I hoped but so much better than the past couple days. Pretty good day, totally beasted history exam. Kinda freaked about music history tomorrow, last real stress for now, although I still have to write my proposal for my senior project. Just hope to get some good sleep for tomorrow but still wake up, lot more studying to do. Hope Buzzs test goes well tomorrow. Love her.

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So tired, cant wait to go home and rediscover normal sleep patterns. Miss my roommate but its also nice to have the place to myself, although i do need to do some extensive cleaning. Freaking out about music final, not so much the history tomorrow and havent evn thought about considering my gender final. Still trying not to stress. Buzz's test is coming up soon, hope she can relax and do well.

Gave her the link to this today, not like i meant to hide it. Kinda hope she reads it but its not a big deal. Just think it might help whenever I dont talk well. Talked about moving in together again today. I really do want it. Its not my parents or anything like that. I just really want that everyday see her, be there. Just want to spend every minute. Spend every minute i can online with her anyway. I miss her.

Think im losing sentences so going to bed. Oh, and presentation went well, so 2 classes officially done. Yay. Sleep. Didnt work out today, tired and headache. No caffeine all day, surprised i made it. Seriously sleep this time.

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Been up really late past few days with finals coming. Lots to say but i should probably sleep. Hopefully post soon

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Christmas party today. Burnt some halloween cookies lol. Saw my former roommate. I had been anticipating awkward if not worse, but it was great. We talked almost the whole time. Shows me that it really was just the strain of living together that made it so bad. Kinda missed her oddly.

Freaked out again about finals. I really think I just need to relax and try to do onething at a time and set goals and make sure I meet them.

I want to be in really good shape. Iwant stronger arms and better abs. I've been doing a little but I know it doesn't do much. Im hoping that it just means that I can be motivated sometime soon.

Still dont know how I feel about my chest. I dont know why it so suddenly bothers me but it does. I always liked when I lie down and it almost disappears.

Gotta get to bed as i hope to get up kinda early to get back to work so i guess thats it. Kinda like this blogging thing tho, kinda relaxing

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Just dropped my baby off at the airport. Wish I didn't cry so easily. So much to do, trying not to let it get to me. Gotta take it one thing at a time.

So I just turned 21. Most amazing time with her. Shes so good to me, wonder what I did to deserve her. Stayed at the Sheraton in Station Square with the most beautiful view of the river and the city. I want a view like that one day. Its perfect. Went to the incline which was really pretty but really cold too. Went to the Hard Rock, didn't get carded but stared at the drink menu for like an hour. Had Sex on the Beach. Vodkas gross. Sos cranberry juice. Then went to the casino. Won a dollar, tried tequilla. Very cool. Great time. I love her.

More later, should be working, but got a lot else on my mind too.

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Napped for the first time in awhile, still kind of tired. Handbell concert went better than expected, even got $10 in donations. Kind of weird meeting at the end because old president kind of took charge and he and the old business manager were both kind of undermining my senior project.

Cant wait to be a hardass and try to make us decent next semester. Think ill really only miss one person there when i leave.

On the bus to the airport to pick up my girl. Still thinking about the whole gender thing. At least its interesting to think about, if not confusing. Feel like im not getting anywhere, but i might never so i guess im not too worried.

Pulling up to the airport so i guess thats it for now. Cant wait to see her

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First thoughts in a while

Haven't written anything in a long time but I was just reading a blog by someone I know and it was really inspiring. He identifies as genderqueer although he is transitioning from female to male and it really got me thinking. I know I'm not a man, but there are some things about me that I don't really understand.

Took a break so I'll get back to that last thought later. I have so much work to do. I did some today and it felt good, but with so much to do I feel like I never do enough.

So back to the whole gender thing. I think about myself a lot. I've become very conscious of my hair which seems ridiculous to me, but it's so important to how I'm perceived. I hated it before because it was long and felt girly. Most people told me it was cute when I got it cut, which was just as bad. I can't get it to do what I want and although I'm getting used to it now, I would eventually like it much shorter. I really like the floppy mohawk thing he has in some of his pictures. I'm frustrated because I want to wait until after graduation, as if I owe it to my parents to be their little girl all grown up. Even after that though, living in their house, I don't know that I'll ever be comfortable being completely myself.

I strapped my chest down today with Saran wrap and a sports bra. Much more effective than just the sports bra like for Halloween. I know it's not really the smart way to do it, and I only did it for a couple of hours to see what it was like. Not that it mattered much because the only time I went out was to the library and it was super cold so I had to wear a sweatshirt and my coat. By I liked it. I'm small so it wasn't really uncomfortable. I can't explain it. When I'm naked I don't mind them, but sometimes I just really don't like how they look in clothes, especially looser shirts where they are too big to be unnoticed but too small to seem normal. I guess they fit me since I don't know how to identify. I don't want to be a man, I like my legs shaved, although when I'm lazy for a week or two it doesn't bother me. I don't want the facial hair. But I like passing as a guy (or boy as it were). I do want to be a lot stronger and in better shape. I would love to be able to wear wife beaters or muscle shirts, with or without a binder I'm not sure. I definitely don't think the bikini thing is gonna stick around.

Meeting my girl was at once the most revealing and confusing thing in my life. I always knew there was something off about me, and now I only sort of know what. She's opened up a world of questions for me. I like it, even though it's confusing.

All in all, I have to say I have an amazing life. I know I get down sometimes, but I hope I never lose sight of that. My parents are great, my brothers, my friends. And my girl of course, whose impact on my life cannot be explained. And I love her, like nothing I ever imagined and nothing I can ever describe. Everything about her just feels so right. Anyway, enough of the mush haha. I love myself, even if I don't understand myself.

Oh and random, I love that I'm out in two of my classes, especially the one where we watched Brokeback Mountain. Go me. Now if I can just introduce myself as Jack instead of Jackie next semester, maybe things will continue to feel more right.

Gotta get some sleep, basketball game tomorrow. And my girl comes in two days for my birthday. So. damn. excited. No idea what she has planned, but as long as she's here, I'm happy.

Assuming most posts will be shorter than this, just a lot to say since I haven't written and a lot on my mind from reading his blog and talking to her about everything last night. And she better feel better soon.